Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
He lives high, on a hill, in Washington, D.C. From his throne high on his hill, he can see who is working and who is not. The workers are called the Patriots, those who worship this Santa are called Zombies. Virginia, while the Patriots are at work, working to provide for their families, Santa sends his helpers from high on his hill, to take the money and food that the workers have worked so hard to earn. Santa then gives it to the Zombies so they will continue to worship him. Virginia, he keeps taking from the Patriots until they have nothing left for him to take. Some of the Patriots become other Zombies and start to worship Santa so Santa will give them money, food, and gifts. Virginia, when that happens, there are even fewer Patriots for Santa to steal from, so he has to keep taking more and more until the Patriots have no more that Santa can steal and give to his Zombies.
Yes Virginia, there is a Santa but he has not always been an evil Santa. Many years ago when this country was younger, Santa Claus would go from house to house spreading cheer and giving gifts to all of the children. This is a sad story Virginia, but one day when Santa Claus was delivering gifts to the little boys and girls in a city called Chicago, a bunch of evil czars captured Santa, stole all of his gifts, and took his beautiful red and white suit. Santa was then placed in a secret hiding place where people cold not hear his cries for help. The evil czars then found a frog, one of the czaretts kissed the frog, and the frog turned into a very evil but very charming prince. Virginia, you will not believe what happened next. The czars then gave Santa’s beautiful suit to this charming prince and named him the Messiah.
Virginia, there is a Santa Claus but he is not the Santa Claus you have heard your grandpa and grandma talk about. Virginia, you are still young so it is up to you to try and find where they are hiding the real Santa. Virginia, Santa was only able to make the Zombies worship him because Santa’s helpers were teaching the young children in his training camps, that he was Santa, and that Santa was the only one who could help them. Virginia, you do not want to grow up to be a Zombie, so you want to let your grandpa or grandma tell you the truth about the Patriots, and about how hard they worked to build a great country for you, and about why they are passionate about America, why they respect the Constitution, about how they love America’s flag, and Virginia, don’t forget to ask them to tell you about the men and women patriots who serve or have served, and given so much to protect this country, and your right to be a free American, when you grow up.
Yes Virginia, I am sorry to say there is a Santa, but he is not the Santa Claus you have heard about from the old workers, who lived in the valley. But most of all Virginia, if any of Santa’s helpers ever offer you Kool-Aid, remember what this old man told you and don’t drink it.
by JD Olson
Photo credit: terrellaftermath