Author’s Note: The following is taken from page 114, Chapter Eleven – Three At Least Plausible “Proofs” - Oh Really, O’Reilly! While this is a satirical swipe at the obvious absurdity of this entirely unnecessary charade, it is meant to illustrate the absolute farce of not being able to locate (or produce – in reality, not ‘virtual’ reality) the alleged document….
Is it not preposterous that after Loretta Fuddy (who, without explanation, replaced Neal Palafox as Director, immediately following this not-hard-to-imagine hypothetical exercise)…that after she “certified” these two copies, she, with the help of the State Attorney General, would refuse a federal court-ordered subpoena, to allow the vault original (from which the certified copies were allegedly reproduced) to be viewed? Yes, it is!
Could it be because after the current Hawaii Governor, Neil Abercrombie, promised to get to the bottom of this, on December 27, 2010, and allegedly conducted his own “search,” over a three-week period, until January 18, 2011 (how hard could it be?), all he could say was, quote: “It was actually written, I am told, this is what our investigation is showing, it actually exists in the archives, written down.”? 
Are you kidding, Neil? That’s it? You’re the governor of the state, and your office is no doubt within spitting distance of the state archives, and after promising to “do what is legally possible…to try and see what we can do…for an open process [!] that will put those who want to disrespect the president and his parents [Really?], in the proper light; which is to say they have a political agenda, not worthy of any good American…” [Wow! I suddenly feel ashamed of myself!], all you can say is that “you are told” that “it was actually written,” and that your “investigation” (which you publicly stated included the State Attorney General, and the State Director of the Department of Health!) is “showing” that “it actually exists…in the archives…written down”? That’s it, Neil?
I think we’ve just gotten a new appreciation for the term “government work”! Is he serious? This is probably a half-hour operation for the governor, at most! He tells his secretary that he’d like to see the vault copy of the president’s hospital-generated birth certificate, and has her call his buddy Neal (Palafox), the newly-appointed Director of the Department of Health, and tell him that he’ll be right over!
He walks out of his office (This is the ‘Aloha State’; he doesn’t need a security guard, even with all those “Right-wing” whackos running around…); he takes the elevator to the first floor; goes across the street to the State Archives – some 494 feet away according to Google Maps; and there, finds the Director, waiting for him. (He is the Governor, after all!)
He takes him straight to the floor where the birth certificates are stored, and, having looked up the room number, the aisle number, and shelf number (no doubt the day he got there, as he too was dying to know!); takes his “almost name sake” directly to the location, opens the file, and reaches in to retrieve the document….
Oops! Inexplicably, it’s not there! No problem…! The Director takes out his cell phone and calls Kapi’olani Hospital, which also, of course, has the original birth certificate, prepared right there in the hospital, for every live birth that has ever taken place within its walls! Duh?! (While the hand-written ledger is reportedly open to the public, the governor has gone to the trouble of arming himself with a search warrant….)
Neal Number Two lets the head of the hospital know that he and the Governor (Neil Number One) will be right over; that he is on a tight schedule, but that he would like to see Mr. Obama’s original birth record.
The “investigation” has gotten complicated now, and could stretch into an hour or more…depending on traffic and the weather – which, of course, is never bad! (It’s Hawaii!) They decide to take Neal’s car, as the whole “chauffer thing” is a bummer…especially if you’re the governor!
They pull out of the parking lot onto Punchbowl (Yep, that’s the real name of the street!), go a half-block South to Beretania Street, and then East a mile and half to Punahou Street, where they turn left and go another half-block, arriving at the hospital, which is on the left. (It’s 11:21 in the morning, so there was very little traffic!)
Before they know it, they’re getting out of their car at the Kapi’olani Medical Center for Women and Children. The Governor has now exhausted the thirty minutes he had allocated in his Day Planner! Oh, well…!
When the distinguished pair arrive at the hospital, the Administrator, is waiting for them in the lobby. Knowing that the Governor is pressed for time, she takes them directly to the hospital’s vault, and shows him the celebrated artifact – the location of which, she has known (to the degree possible…) since this whole thing erupted two or three years ago!
Neil, the Governor, promptly and politely (he’s a Democrat!) asks her if she can make a dozen or so copies, and have them in his office by, say, two o’clock in the afternoon. It’s now 11:30. She indicates that she can.
Thoroughly satisfied (not to mention, exhausted!) after their lengthy ordeal, Neil Number One and Neal Number Two saunter out of the hospital, get in their car, and, wanting to celebrate this apparently-monumental task, they grab a Mac and Cheese (with super-sized fries, and piña colada milk shakes, with whipped cream and those little chocolate sprinkles on top!) en route back to their respective offices; and several hours later the Governor finds a dozen bona fide copies of the 1961 typewritten original on his desk – which he can, at that point, have his secretary send to the various groups and news agencies who have shown an interest in this troublesome matter…if there are a dozen of the latter…which, as we have come to expect, there are not!
So, he has her send all twelve to Joseph Farah over at WND…and let him and his staff do the rest; and voila! By the end of the day, the whole matter is out of his hands! By 10:00 the next morning (courtesy of FedEx) the certified documents reach the one place in America, where they will be responsibly dispersed, and accurately reported! [He could, of course, have had her send them to The Western Center for Journalism!]
In just under twenty-four hours, the entire, needless, controversy is put to rest; and, the president and his parents have “retained their good names” along with the “respect that they deserve” (according to the good – and obviously efficient – Governor!).
Now that is what I call friendship…Neil, Barack Sr., Ann Stanley, and, of course, let’s not forget, Barack Jr. – or was it Barry? Whatever…. Anyway, it’ll be just like old times…sort of…!
As we now know, by the time Ann Stanley and Barry returned from the University of Washington (for which they had embarked almost immediately after young Barack’s birth), Barack Sr. was long gone (the whole Harvard “PhD thing,” you know…), but Neil, “Senior,” and Ann Stanley no doubt did some serious partying in the two to three weeks after baby Barack was born…before Mom, Dad, and Neil all split up, and went their separate ways….
Yep, the good old days…! How sweet it was…but again…I digress!
Tom Ballantyne is the Author of Oh Really, O’Reilly! “A Fair and Balanced Look at the Facts” – the riveting and entertaining story of the biggest fraud (as well as disgrace) in all of American history…and how the GOP and the “Conservative” Establishment in America have made it all possible. We know what to expect from the Left. Here you will read a detailed account of “the rest of the story”…. (The shorter Part I of O’Reilly! is available here.)