Tom Purcell

Biden Confesses Ignorance

October 23, 2012 By Tom Purcell 6 Comments

Vice President Joe Biden stepped into a confessional and knelt.

“Hey, Father, how you doing?” he said to the priest.

“Well, Joseph, not so well of late. There is great concern among the religious community about actions the Obama administration has taken as part of ObamaCare.”

“What are you talking about, Father?”

“Joseph, earlier this year, the Department of Health and Human Services issued a regulation, directed by ObamaCare, that requires all non-church religious institutions, such as hospitals and schools, to provide employee health insurance that includes contraception, sterilization, and abortifacients.”

“But we fixed that one, Father. Rather than make religious employers pay for these things directly, we told the insurance companies they had to provide these things free!”

“And you really think insurers are able to provide these things free, Joseph? They will not. The costs of contraception, sterilization, and abortifacients will ultimately be rolled into the insurance premiums that religious organizations will pay — which is tantamount to providing financial support for things such as abortion — and religious institutions cannot morally accept your ‘fix.’”

“Ah, c’mon, Father. You act like there is an assault on the Catholic church. I made it absolutely clear during my debate when I said that ‘no religious institution — Catholic or otherwise, including Catholic social services, Georgetown Hospital, Mercy Hospital, any hospital — has to either refer contraception, none has to pay for contraception, none has to be a vehicle to get contraception in any insurance policy they provide. That is a fact. That is a fact.’”

“But you have your ‘facts’ wrong, Joseph. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops issued a letter that rebukes your statements completely. The letter says: ‘The HHS mandate contains a narrow, four-part exemption for certain “religious employers.” That exemption was made final in February and does not extend to ‘Catholic social services, Georgetown hospital, Mercy hospital or any hospital,’ or any other religious charity that offers its services to all, regardless of the faith of those served.”

“That’s a bunch of malarkey, Father. The bishops have no problem with us!”

“You aren’t paying attention, Joseph, so let me be clear: The Catholic church cannot and will not pay for a government-mandated insurance policy that funds and enables actions that violate our religious beliefs — yet that is exactly what the government is now forcing us to do. And that is why there are more than 40 lawsuits, brought on behalf of Catholic bishops and other religious organizations, to stop you.”

“Lawsuits, Father? Well, that’s news to me.”

“Perhaps this is also news to you, Joseph: This matter is about much more than the right of a female student at a Catholic university to have contraception covered by her university-provided health insurance policy. It is about simple freedom, Joseph.”

“I’m not following, Father.”

“This country was founded on the concept of freedom, including religious freedom. Religious freedom was the reason the Pilgrims came to America from England. The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guarantees such freedom: ‘Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.’”

“So what is your point, Father?”

“Joseph, by using the might of the federal government to tell religious organizations what insurance products they must purchase for their employees, hasn’t the government created a law that is prohibiting their free exercise of religion?”

“Ah, heck, father, all we’re trying to do is make insurers cover the cost of birth control.”

“It is a winning position for a politician to take, Joseph, but surely you understand that this issue as not as simple as you make it out to be. The truth of the matter is that you either misspoke or deliberately misled people during your debate. I assume you entered this confessional to confess?”

“Not at all, Father. I had to go to the bathroom and thought this was the john.”

Photo Credit: Floyd Brown (Creative Commons)

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What About The War On Men?

September 11, 2012 By Tom Purcell Leave a Comment

“Lots of people are talking about the ‘war on women’ these days, but what about the war on men?”

“The war on men? This is going to be good.”

“Look, if you ask me, this ‘war on women’ thing is mostly just a difference of opinion. Some people think the government should pass more laws to give women special workplace rights or force faith-based employers to include coverage for contraception and other reproductive matters in their health insurance policies for employees.”

“OK, fair enough.”

“Well, just because other people don’t want the government telling organizations what they must or must not do doesn’t mean they are against women. It means they don’t like the idea of government establishing more laws and mandates to right every wrong, perceived or otherwise.”

“So you’re saying the ‘war on women’ crowd thinks it is being victimized and wants the government to intervene, whereas the ‘leave us alone’ crowd prefers individual freedom and wants the government to butt out. But what does this have to do with the supposed ‘war on women’?”

“Well, if we men adopted a victimization mindset, we could complain about lots of things. Here’s one: During our bad economic spell, many states helped close their budget shortfalls with high taxes on beer! It’s well-known that men consume way more beer than women, so aren’t such taxes sexist?”

“Where is the ACLU when you need it?”

“And did you know Medicare no longer covers Viagra? That’s going to have a terrible impact on my relationship with the wife during my retirement years.”

“How so?”

“If the wife knows I have a stash of those pills, she’ll spend way more time at the mall, ensuring peace and quiet for both of us. But there are plenty of other areas where we men are victims.”

“Go on.”

“Have you noticed that when you’re out at an event, women go to the bathroom together, but men never do? I think it’s because the women’s rooms are bigger and, depending on the joint, have cushy lounge chairs or couches. The government should mandate equal bathroom rights for men.”

“You want the government to do that?”

“Sure. If we men had more space, we’d go to the bathroom together, too. We could talk about things, such as good prostate health, that will improve our well-being and decrease medical costs. The government should like that, now that it’s running our health care.”

“As odd as it sounds, you make some sense.”

“But the biggest area where men are being targeted is by female state legislators. You wouldn’t believe some of the anti-male laws they’re trying to pass.”

“You are right about that. Angered by some state laws that require women to get various tests before they make reproductive decisions, such as abortion, some female politicians have been striking back. I read about it on BuzzFeed.com.”

“That’s right. One Virginia state senator tried to pass an amendment to a bill that ‘would require men to undergo a rectal exam and cardiac stress test before being treated for erectile dysfunction.’”

“That doesn’t sound very pleasant.”

“Look, my point isn’t that complicated. Just because people want the government to butt out of their personal lives, it doesn’t mean they’re against women.”

“Sounds reasonable to me.”

“Besides, isn’t it a little contradictory to demand that the government stay out of your private matters while also demanding that it make religious organizations pay for your contraception? Shouldn’t people and religious organizations in America have the freedom to follow their own beliefs?”

“And the beer tax?”

“That’s an egregious example of the never-ending war on men!”

Photo credit: Travelin’ Librarian (Creative Commons)

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Why I’m A Republican

September 4, 2012 By Tom Purcell Leave a Comment

(Editor’s note: The views are solely those of the author)

In these partisan, highly divided times, people ask me why I’m a Republican.

Here’s why: I like parting my hair on the side and wearing penny loafers without socks, with real pennies in them. I like showing up for meetings on time, balancing my checking account, and retiring for the night before 11.

But part of me longs to be a Democrat.

I love buying rounds for the whole pub — to heck with fiscal sanity on the weekend! I love making grandiose promises, particularly to women, that I know I can never keep.

I have had my struggles as a Republican.

Sometimes, I’ve been proud, such as during the Ronald Reagan era, when real reforms simplified our tax system and unleashed American ingenuity and economic miracles.

I was proud when Republicans took over Congress in 1995 and brought discipline to Washington. With the economy firing on all cylinders and spending restrained, our government soon began producing a surplus.

But I’ve often been disappointed.

In the early 2000s, a Republican Congress spent carelessly and basked shamelessly in the perks of power and corruption. A Republican president got us into an aggressive war with Iraq that would divide the country, give Democrats control of Congress, and eventually help put a novice, Barack Obama, into the presidency.

Democrats have their flaws, too.

Democrat politicians are like Santa Claus. They love to give “free” things to people, then bask in the resulting praise.

Thanks to Democrats, college kids, even those from high-income homes, are qualifying for — and happy to accept — food stamps.

Democrat politicians thought health-care reform would win them praise. Their plan, essentially, gives people the goodies we all want — care for all, no more pre-existing condition concerns, and so on — without worrying about how we will pay for it.

I love to be generous, too — but, being a Republican, I have never figured out how to do so using other people’s money.

The truth is that both parties have good and bad sides. How can they not? We have, essentially, two parties to represent almost every interest, good and ill, in a country of 300 million people.

Radical Democrat wing nuts occupy Wall Street and poop on police cars. They chain themselves to trees and curse at lumberjacks.

Some Republicans have their own nutty ideas. A few think a woman can’t get pregnant if she’s raped. Others say federal funds should be used to provide marriage counseling — as though the institution of marriage is not in enough trouble already.

By and large, though, most Republicans and Democrats are good people who go to work every day, pay their bills on time, and want what is best for their country.

Most Republicans are not the unsympathetic rich, white caricatures that some people, particularly “objective” journalists who work for big-city media outlets, wish they were.

In any event, at this point, as America is about to go over a fiscal cliff, it is good to be a Republican.

Look, Democrats, have shown regrettably little aptitude for — or interest in — getting our fiscal mess in order. Our debt is soaring under President Obama. Is anyone confident that he can fix this problem?

Republicans, though, are finally doing some good work again. Republican governors have been bringing fiscal sanity and order to state governments — the very thing we must do at the federal level.

I hope the Republicans win the presidency, get our affairs in order, and pave the way for another era of robust economic growth.

That’s why I’m a Republican — and also because I like tucking my Oxford shirts into my pants, even though nobody does that anymore.

Photo Credit: Donkey Hotey (Creative Commons)

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Time To Police The Government

June 12, 2012 By Tom Purcell 3 Comments

The balance between the police and the policed is getting way out of whack — and we better restore it now.

I speak of a spate of new technologies — high-tech cameras, satellites and now, drones being flown over U.S. soil — that are giving police and government way too much power over the average Joe.

Our country was founded by people who were wary of government power, you see. They were wary of government do-gooders attaining too much control, as they knew that absolute power always corrupts absolutely.

So they implemented checks and balances to limit that power.

They knew, too, however, that human nature is imperfect — that there will always be crooks, murderers and con men and that government must provide average, law-abiding citizens with basic protections against those who seek to do them harm.

Thus, our Constitution was designed to strike a proper balance between police and government agencies and the citizens they police.

The Fourth Amendment in the Bill of Rights, for instance, guards against unreasonable searches and seizures. It requires probable cause and a judicially sanctioned warrant before the police are permitted to enter one’s home.

The idea was to protect the liberties of the average Joe by putting the burden on police and government agencies. Better that 10 guilty men go free than to convict a single innocent man.

This proper balance between the police and the policed worked well for many years. But technology is upending that balance.

Consider: Back in the ’50s and ’60s, when my father was a young man, there were speed traps, just as there are now.

When one driver saw a police car hiding behind shrubs, he flashed his high beams at oncoming drivers to warn them to slow down. The policed collaborated against the police and all was well.

The police had it tough back then. To gauge a driver’s speed, an officer had to work a manual stopwatch, then do math. The process was so imprecise, the odds weren’t bad that the ticket would be tossed out in court or reduced to a lesser charge.

Now the police have precise VASCAR and radar technologies. Hidden speed cameras are popping up all over the place. New technologies are even making it possible to monitor speeds using satellites!

While such technologies may benefit drivers by slowing traffic at dangerous intersections, there is a downside: The average Joe will soon be helpless in the face of small-town police who use such technologies to establish lucrative, high-tech speed traps.

But as technology upends the balance between the police and the policed, that is the least of the average Joe’s worries.

Did you know our federal government is using unmanned aerial vehicles (drones) — much like the drones it uses to monitor and kill enemies overseas — to monitor U.S. citizens?

Did you know, says Investor’s Business Daily, that the EPA is conducting surveillance on farmers in Nebraska and Iowa, looking for violations of the Clean Water Act?

Did you know that the Federal Aviation Administration has loosened restrictions on the use of drones by the nation’s 18,000 local police departments?

How long will it be before quiet little planes monitor our speed and everything else we do?

How long before illegal searches, forbidden by the Fourth Amendment, are commonplace?

We must stop the drones now.

Flashing our high beams won’t matter a whit once the balance between the police and the policed gets that far out of whack.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Photo credit: Jessie Owen (Creative Commons)

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Time To Police The Government

June 12, 2012 By Tom Purcell 8 Comments